What Popular Fast Food Chains Would Be Like In Bed, Part II
Dairy Queen: She’s curvy and delicious, both inviting and strangely cold. She swears she’s 71, but she looks like a teenager. You card..
How to tell a real Prince personal anecdote from a fake one
As many of you know, Prince is Minnesotan. So sometimes he releases a bizarre Vikings tribute song, sometimes he bumps into you in lin..
The ten most awkward appetizers
10. Bruschetta. No engineer would design an appetizer like bruschetta. You have a little heap of tomatoes stacked precipitously on a c..
True stories from a Harvard College dining hall, 2002-2007
“I walked into the common room, and he was having sex with the couch. Not on the couch, with it.”
“Last night he passed out drunk, ..
The 1990s Project: Santana’s “Supernatural”
Who would have guessed that the 90s would be such a good time to be Carlos Santana? Probably not Carlos Santana, who by the late 90s w..
“Literal” Failure: This is Why the English Language Can’t Have Nice Things
I’m not a language snob. New words are great, old words can die, and sometimes the meaning of words changes over time. That’s how it w..
Things it’s hotter than
The power adapter charging Samantha Jones’s vibrator.
A baby abandoned in a snowsuit in Death Valley.
The middle of a pizza roll..
Four Types of Students at For-Profit Technical Colleges
Sarcon the Born-Again Schizoid/Graphic Designer: Hey I’m Sarcon! My momma gave me this name because it means “One Who Won’t Ever Finis..
Ten stories in five minutes
To warm up for the Paper Darts Flash Fiction Writing Contest, I wrote ten short stories in 30 seconds each.
- There was a man. He ra..
My Strangely Extensive Relationship With L.L. Bean, or, The Pursuit of Bourgeois Perfection in Clothing and Lifestyle
When I was growing up, we didn’t buy our clothes from catalogs—except maybe for the occasional item from J.C. Penny. We bought our clothes..
The 1990s Project: Hole’s “Live Through This”
Until they were parted by a shotgun blast, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were almost too perfect a match: sneering, ironic, bleached, ..
What I can and can’t do for you if you like it rough in bed
What I can do:
Use words like “fuck” and “cunt.” No problem. Make it clear that you want me to go there, and I can sound like Stanl..