A Modest Proposal to My Hot Cousin … To Do Some Incest with Me
Hear me out. My cousins are hot. Ok. And not “hot” in a Pam Anderson in Barbed Wire kind of way. Gross. And, dumb. No, my cousins all (or ..
Types of Instagram Narcissism
Food Narcissism: The Cuban breakfast plate, the muy grande Tex-Mex burrito, the sharp knives slicing the artichoke heart—the photos are al..
The Charming Humility of Sugar Ray
I never had a problem with Sugar Ray back in the 90s. I vividly remember singing along to every word on “Fly” on the eight grade bus with ..
Enough With the Children’s Choirs Already!
In John Gardner’s seminal how-to-guide On Becoming a Novelist (a professor once told me all books about writing books suck….except for thi..
Hyper-Active Child Live-Tweets Mr. Rogers Neighborhood
I WILL BE YOUR NEIGHBOR I WILL I WILL X10000 #butwheredoulive?
Same outfit as yesterday @MistaR I want to touch the sides of your shoes..
The False Mystique of Living in Small Town USA
I’m 27 years old. And for approximately 85% of my twenties, I’ve lived in a small town. (The other 15% I was in Rochester, MN, and Minneap..
How I Plan to Spend Today’s April Fool’s Day
Call up an ex-girlfriend living 800 miles away, inform her I haven’t ever stopped thinking about her, in fact, I think we were born for ea..
How to Know if Your Job Interview is Actually for an Opening in a Pyramid Scheme
The interviewer refers to his grandpa on two different occasions, with two different names. Normal interviews—say for a desk job answering..
What’s the Deal With Chuck Klosterman’s Fiction?
Like many of his beloved ‘80s hair metal bands suffering through mid-career artistic crises, Chuck Klosterman’s novel-writing period is li..
Conversations I Have In My Head While Filling Out My Taxes Online
Why aren’t I married? I mean, shit, I cut a nice profile when my slacks are ironed, my stutter isn’t too bad anymore, and I use body soap…
Seven Uncool Ways to Be the “Cool” Professor
1) Refer casually to controlled substances. Last week I saw a professor in the sciences crack jokes with students about the chemical com..
How Not to Do a SXSW Red Carpet Interview with Matthew McConaughey, Or Turns Out Owen Wilson Is Someone Different
1) Request a red carpet interview pass at the SXSW premiere of a new Matthew McConaughey film, say Killer Joe. You have virtually zero jo..