My opponent on SparkChess was Claire, “your best partner for a quick game during the coffee break” with “a quick and friendly style.” I knew better, though, than to underestimate this dynamo in business casual. I steeled myself for a brisk and hard-fought match, though I was confident I would have little difficulty in prevailing.

Whoa! Not too friendly, Claire! She swooped in and nabbed my pawn, immediately threatening my knight with a quick flick of her bishop. Wasn’t I supposed to get my knights out early and dominate the center of the board? Claire was suddenly causing me to question everything I thought I knew about chess.

After chasing my knight away with merely her pawns, Claire pulled her bishop back and I thought we were once again on quick and friendly terms, so I brought my rook out from behind its pawn to take a peek at the situation. Claire immediately responded by bringing out the big guns, ready to roll her queen across my hapless line of pawns like a bowling ball. I knew I had to make a commanding move to regain the momentum and threaten her towering colossus. I started to sweat, while Claire just sipped her macchiato and checked her snaps.

Just a few moves later, bishops’ blood had been shed and Claire’s queen was up in my business like an angry cabbie. Another of my pawns was gone. Things looked bleak, but I had Claire’s number: she was playing “quick and friendly,” not thinking too far ahead. To best her, I just needed to think several moves ahead and make a plan. By this point, I’d spent ten minutes and 52 seconds thinking, and Claire had spent zero seconds.

A few moves later, Claire was reasserting herself, and by “reasserting herself” I mean “taking my queen while I was distracted by an attempt to grab one of her pawns.” I did take that pawn, though, so it wasn’t like she got off totally scot-free. Ha!

Blinded with rage, I body-slammed Claire’s knight with a rook. Bam! How you like me now? That was a rhetorical question, which Claire answered by scooping one of my pawns and putting me in check for the second time in two moves.

A few moves later, Claire took my other rook with her remaining knight, a nifty reversal that I had to admire even as I stealthily moved my king out of check. Now, her knight was behind enemy lines and I knew I had to find a way to shank that show pony. Sorry, ASPCA—this is highly abstracted medieval warfare.

Aaaaand…that knight just escaped, taking one of my pieces with it. I don’t even remember what that was. Another knight, maybe? That sounds right. Shit.

I fear my bloodlust for pawns has undone me: I swooped down upon one of Claire’s little sentinels with my remaining knight, only to lose my knight to her rook. Fortunately, I feel like I still have a pretty good grasp of the center of the board thanks to my far-seeing bishop, so things could still work out here.

“QUICK AND FRIENDLY,” MY ASS! What kind of crappy free chess site is this, anyway?

– Jay Gabler