I Don’t Have a Boyfriend. I Have a Dom.

I Don’t Have a Boyfriend. I Have a Dom.

I’m in a relationship right now that’s hard to explain and even harder for those listening to understand. But I’d like to try.

I am a sub, or submissive. I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a dom.

The popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey has afforded BDSM a wave of intrigue and recognition, but the logistics of this kind of relationship remain largely undiscussed. When people think of dominance and submission, they probably think of typical BDSM kitsch—whips, chains, ball gags, dungeons. Cheap pleather booty shorts with many zippers. BDSM can come off as no fun to vanilla sex enthusiasts, who may associate it with nipple clamps and getting candle wax dripped on them. That just sounds uncomfortable, right?

Dominance and submission, at its core, is about a power dynamic. One party likes to be in control, the other likes to submit. The psychological implications can be just as intense as the physical. Every dom-sub relationship is different, and my experiences certainly don’t reflect those of all who pursue this lifestyle. But I’ve learned a few things in the years I’ve been playing rough that I believe a newbie could benefit from hearing before embarking on this twisted, exhilarating road.

The Basics

I was introduced to dominance and submission by an older man I dated a few years back. What started out as experimenting soon turned into a real dom-sub relationship, in which he explicitly controlled everything we did in the bedroom. Dom-sub sex is just like normal sex, except, well, you know how Mozart includes little frills, or ornamentations, in his music? Just little extra notes that make the song twinkle and feel more fun? That’s how dominant sex is, except instead of trills in The Magic Flute, you have things like spanking, slapping, choking, name calling, hair pulling, and much more.

Before you try this kind of play, you must set boundaries with your partner. The way I usually do this is telling him upfront what I’m not willing to do, and then everything left over are options he can choose from. That’s part of what makes being submissive so exciting—you never know what your dom is going to do with you. However, there are times when this grab bag of fun can get a bit too grabby. That’s why you need a safe word (mine is “veto”). I often find that just knowing I can stop at any time by saying the safe word makes me feel more confident to push my limits and try new things.

You also need to emotionally prepare and evaluate before trying dominance and submission. Get real with yourself first and make sure your soul is going to be okay if you allow someone to voluntarily treat you like garbage. Recognize up front that letting yourself be abused will be emotionally taxing. If you have any misgivings, you might want to take a step back and start with something more novice, like handcuffs. If you like that, work your way up. If you don’t like that, this isn’t for you. It’s just not for everyone.

The Roles

It seems simple: the dom is in control, the sub submits. But how far do you go with it? In a dom-sub relationship, it’s so easy to let the bedroom dynamic leak out into the real world interactions between the two partners. Sometimes, that’s intentional, and can be extremely hot. But if you’re not on the same page as your dom about when the rules apply, that’s unhealthy. I try to remind myself all the time that this is one big, drawn-out role play. You’re role playing a relationship where one person calls all the shots.

My current dom and I take a mixed approach. First, we got on the same page about our real beliefs: equality for women, equality in relationships, we both think physical and verbal abuse is abhorrent. But, we realized we liked talking to each other and texting in our roles, and that means that sometimes we’ll be in those roles when we’re not banging. My dom loves ordering me around, and even gives me little assignments during the day sometimes (they’re not necessarily sexual—it’s a way of asserting dominance.) Balancing when you’re in your roles and when you’re not can be tricky, and there’s a difference between being a dom and being a dick–so communication is key. It’s okay to change the arrangement frequently—and speak up if you’re not cool with the terms. Your agreement can be as intense as a monogamous relationship, or as loose as a sporadic hookup. In my current arrangement, I’m allowed to date other people and I do, but when my dom and I are interacting, he owns me.

My dom and I both consider ourselves feminists despite the fact that he hits me while we’re having sex. We concluded that since being treated poorly by a man, or treating a woman poorly, goes against everything we both believe in, that’s why it gets us off. It’s wrong, it’s dangerous, it’s bad, and that’s sexy as hell.

The Risks

The most immediate concern I’ve always had when it comes to rough play is actually being hurt/injured by my partner. I never want to have to explain to my family or boss why my face is bruised. Again, you need to have great communication with your dom to make sure you don’t get hurt. Me and my dom use a spectrum—before we begin, I say we can go soft, medium or hard and he adjusts his behavior accordingly.

Another risk of dominance and submission is getting hurt emotionally. When you’re with someone in this way, it’s likely you will form a strong bond. Even though your dom abuses you, you know he really does it to satisfy you, and that fosters a foundation of trust. Being someone’s sub makes you feel extremely special—he jealously owns you and wants you completely, and you give him more than regular lovers ever could. When you become someone’s sub, even though you both know it’s all a big act, you give yourself to them entirely. And that’s an emotionally charged decision.

My first dom and I were not monogamous, and I was convinced that was fine by me. However, I didn’t really pursue others when we were hanging out because our sex life satisfied me so much. He did pursue others, and when he eventually found love and moved to a different state, I was shocked by how heartbroken I felt. I couldn’t figure out how someone who wanted me so fiercely for so long could suddenly walk away. But he did. The experience made me more aware of how dangerous this game can be, and now I constantly remind myself to date other people and try not to attach emotionally to my dom if monogamy isn’t in our contract. I never sleep over. I never text first. I make a point not to see him two days in a row. It’s a delicate balance that requires effort to maintain.

The Fun Parts

There is no rush like dominance and submission. I’ve tried my share of drugs and decadent desserts, but this is my ultimate vice. I once read a quote that emphasized the role of fear in sex—fear is the reason it’s more exciting to leave the bar with a stranger than your husband of 35 years. Fear makes BDSM the roller coaster traveling through a hurricane that it is. You trust your dom, you turn yourself over to him, but you never really know what’s about to happen.

Pain itself is part of the pleasure of dom-sub play—it makes you more aware of your body and how it reacts. The pain heightens your senses and turns your adrenaline on. And there’s something exciting about feeling the bruises on your ass while you sit in your cubicle at work the morning after taking a good spanking.

Giving up control is incredibly freeing. You take risks when you have BDSM sex, but once you trust your partner and can completely submit, it’s the best release imaginable.

And the attention! Have I mentioned the attention? Doms generally keep pretty close tabs on their subs. They want to know what they’re doing all the time. The more intense the sex is, the more ravenously interested your dom will be in getting more and going further.

At the end of it, I think the reason I love dominance and submission is the depth of the relationship it creates. This weekend, I was walking down the street when I saw my dom on the other side. It was unexpected since we live and work in different parts of town, but this was a popular area and a popular event. When we made eye contact, I felt as though I had been struck by lightning (pardon the cliché). He ran across the street and stood close enough to me that I could smell him. Standing close to my dom in public—people milling around us with no idea how depraved our bond is—it felt sexy, and powerful, and right.

He threw his arm around my neck in a sort of joke headlock and whispered, “How’s my good girl?”

I felt alive.

– Rachel Green

  • Michelle

    Wow. Thought it might be like this

  • T

    “How’s my good girl?” I die every time he says it to me. Die. <3

    • Cassandra

      Right? Every time I do something “good”, he pets my head and says “Good girl”. I die a little bit every time.

  • Tee

    Sooooo, I have just recently taken the first step into a Dom-sub “agreement/contract/relationship” and when I say recently, I mean in the last three days. Lol we have only been talking and txting so far, but planning on meeting in the next few days. I’m very new to this experience, and I have YET to actually endure any kind of sexual pain or pleasure. Is there any info you could give me for the first face to face meeting with my “master”?

    • sub

      Say yes sir and do what you’re told. It’s the best most exciting sex you’ll ever have. But do set limits. And make sure you tell him when it’s to much.

  • Mike

    It sounds to me like many women are yearning for more traditional type relationships with the man being in charge like it used to be. But since their desires have been made socially taboo now by the religion of political correctness/egalitarianism, their only way to pursue fulfillment is with this BDSM shtick. Which to me seems more unhealthy since actual abuse (albeit ‘consensual’) is a component of it. Don’t get me wrong I dig the dominant male/submissive female dynamic, I just don’t see why degradation has to be a necessary part of it.

    • jay

      BDSM has been a thing since before traditional gender roles started being questioned. It has nothing to do with “wanting a traditional relationship”, and the “abuse” isn’t even remotely like domestic abuse. Plus there’s the fact that plenty of men are submissive too.

    • Autumn

      I’m a sub. I attribute my submissiveness to my own sexual desires, not to my gender. Don’t be a misogynist.

    • Someone

      Seems like you’re still a newbie to bdsm

  • Em

    The way he giggles when he calls me his “little whore” just kills me. Every. Single. Time.

  • Outraged

    Ah, your points about the risks is my all time biggest concern. I am deeply worried that I have gotten attached to the first Dom I’ve had in my life and that it will be extremely difficult for me to handle if (when) he finds someone else. We have not been together long, and we are not monogamous, but I don’t have any sexual interest in anyone else. I will be coming back to this article frequently to remind myself why I need to be careful.

  • layla1005

    I have recently entered into a D/s relationship…and this article was spot on….my dom is very caring…i know that after some rough play, he will hold me. It is not an easy thing to submit to someone, but it is such an intense rush..cant even explain. And when he calls me his good girl…its a rush like no other…we are going slow and it works for us…

  • doroteo arango

    This mechanical mindset laid out here, to me, is about as exciting as working in some sheet metal or machine shop is.

    ‘Me and my dom use a spectrum—before we begin, I say we can go soft, medium or hard and he adjusts his behavior accordingly.’

    Yawn. How much longer until this work shift ends?

  • Teri Woods

    I’m a sub/slave, and that relationship creates and fosters an environment for more trust and love that far surpasses any boyfriend/relationship. My Dom loves me dearly. I am happily owned.

  • Karen

    Hi – I did have a dom but I was scared so I pushed him away, a couple of times because I was scared. How can I get him back?

  • Dawn ClaiBORNE

    I am in a non sexual Dom Sub relationship. My Dom doesnt sleep with me as I am married but my partner is not into the life. My dom gives me directions, helps me feel less responsible for all the things in my life if even for a minute. I am the breadwinner, the decision maker, i have total responsibility in my home life for my kids, my husband and my house hold. My husband is wonderful he just is not what I need for this aspect of my life. My Dom and I have rules that keep us from crossing the boundaries that would lead to sex, because oh boy they would. Its new but is helping me gain confidence and smile a little better even if its only his guidance in what to eat and what to wear and small things.. My Dom is new, I am his first so the limited interaction is a good learning point, he is doing very well. I know when we end and we will because he is 20 years younger then I he will be a great dom and some woman will love his skills. !

  • Lady Diary

    I have fallen for my Dom in a big way. It scares me because I’m aware of the emotional repercussions. We’ve spent most of our free time together over the last few months and when I can’t see him I feel lost. It’s like I know I’m going to get hurt, but I’m addicted to the rush and connection.

  • Blinkerbee

    So I’ve recently entered a dom/sub relationship and I know I’ve acquired a deeper feeling for him
    beyond just the sex. He treats me like a queen and tells his friends we are dating…. I feel so free with him… when he grabs me by my hair and asks me who owns me and I reply you daddy… it makes me shutter with intense sexual passion. He always asks what I’m up for pain and intensity for that night. But he also takes me on dates and it’s more than just sex…. what does this mean?