I like what you are saying. However, I am not going to virtually kiss you or give you much more time because I am feeling somewhat intimidated by how beautiful your profile picture is today.

I would like you to think about what you said to the lady at Tesco’s because she was only trying to help and you were really quite mean to her. Which meant we didn’t get to eat cashew nuts in the cinema, which would have been phenomenal.

I would be very grateful if you would let me touch your hair, because it smells of coconut, and it looked particularly attractive when I saw you last. I hope you realise I was being disingenuous and cheeky with that joke, but I am serious about the hair thing.

Sometimes you make me thoroughly doubt my decisions. I feel as if I am sat precariously on the window ledge of the top floor at work and you are asking me to juggle, which is not fair. Please stop immediately.

I am very proud of what I have just said, and I hope that you would recognise this fact and potentially touch me inappropriately because of it. No, I am not asking for nudes, but I do sometimes think you would taste like apricots and I would like to find out at some point.

Honestly, in my opinion it was probably okay for your friend to behave that way, although I suspect you are quite irritated by the issue and I’d like to appear on your side because that will make you happy. So…OMG What a Bitch!

That last statement was particularly comforting and/or makes me feel like I’ve eaten warm ready brek and I have you to thank for this gentle, affectionate feeling in my centre.

I am very hard-wired at this present moment. I would therefore like you to come over and lay down with me. We should watch space documentaries on Netflix with your head on my chest and I can smell your coconut hair. I am being serious; I promise I am not trying to fuck you or ejaculate in your vicinity.

This is an insincere moment. I am actually fine but would like you to recognise that some mistake was made on your behalf; it is simply a matter of principle. I’m really not distressed and am only doing this because I’m sure you would do the same to me, you beautiful shithead.

I would still like to see if you taste like apricots, if that’s okay with you. I think we could currently be a movie version of ourselves because things are feeling Hollywood good. My heart is a ticking egg timer for you.

– Jonathan Harris