I just learned about the Mars One project that aims to send pods of four people at a time to settle on Mars, starting in 2024. If that isn’t dystopian future-y enough, they’re choosing people in a reality TV-like manner. So while I proceed producing an immense amount of non-renewable waste in my daily life – cuz fuck this planet now – I will also think through the pros and cons of sending various musical celebrities in that first pod.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé

Pros:

-Can teach martians to be vegan

-Still won’t mind wearing martian creatures’ skin as fashion statement

-Can Skype with their friends The Obamas from Mars, and maybe dog sit Bo over there (space dog!)

-Blue Ivy can be in charge of creating the next generation with some other celebrity’s baby (TBD)

-Jay-Z is already used to having 99 problems (sorry)

-Cool martian background on the Beyoncé Pepsi can

Cons: 

-Thanks Obama!

-Who will force Kanye to watch the throne?

-Beyoncé has pissed off space people

One Direction

Pros:

-It would be super cute

-Can convince martians that all humans are the same height and stature

-Lack of women over there might lead to some interesting homoerotic antics

-Taylor Swift can write an interesting song about ex-bf being on Mars, cuz screw him

-If one of them snuck a monkey into the spaceship it would be an even cuter gang, if that’s possible

Cons:

-Russians might be like wtf?

-Lance Bass would feel really left out

Macklemore 

Pros:

-Not a materialistic guy, so he would be content having a wardrobe of red dust rubbed all over himself

-Might be closer to Bernie Mac (RIP), who is proud of him

-Could deal with space’s awkward homophobia problem

Cons:

-None cuz Macklemore is the most universally beloved man of all time

Robin Thicke

Pros:

-Can’t think of any

Cons:

-Might have naked ladies’ boobs around him at any given moment

-Miley Cyrus might fly to Mars to stick her butt in his crotch (um, he is MARRIED)

-Has trouble visually perceiving lines

Lorde

Pros:

-Doesn’t mind riding the bus, so a space shuttle would probably be o.k.

-She smells like teen spirit, according to NPR

-Won’t try to sneak gold teeth or tigers into space

-Lana Del Rey will be like hmmm … ok … her?

Cons:

-Aliens might resent her precociousness

-Doesn’t mind getting in public girl fights, which would not be good for interplanetary relations

–Becky Lang