Dear Godzilla,

First off, I’d like to start by wishing you a happy 59th birthday and congratulate you on your new movie. I think it’s pretty cool that you’re a month younger than my mom, though she doesn’t share my sentiment, and it’s also awesome that you’ve had such a long and rewarding career. Anyway, I thought that since this is looking to be a big year for you that I would ask you a few questions that have been nagging at me for some time. I hope you can find time to fit me into your busy giant lizard schedule.

Question 1: According to Wikipedia you were designed to be part gorilla and part whale, but you clearly appear to be a gigantic radioactive lizard (who is sometimes a robot). What are you, exactly?

Question 2: What’s your beef with Japan?

Question 3: Why isn’t there a slice-of-life anime titled Godzilla and Friends, starring you and the other kaiju? Wait, never mind, that show’s called Pokémon.

Question 4: You also appear to be an aquatic beast, despite apparently ranging between 120 and 150 meters tall. What does someone as large as you do while you’re in the ocean? Do you sleep or just sort of chill out?

Question 5: How big are your poops?

Question 6: Who do you think is cuter, Gamera or Mothra?

Question 7: In the Hollywood remake from 1998 you somehow became a parent. How the hell did that happen? Was there another Godzilla somewhere to put those buns in your oven, did you mate asexually, or is King Ghidorah the father? Exactly how much love cream does it take to make one of you?

Question 8: Do you know Chthulu and, if so, why won’t you do a movie with him?

Question 9: Is the Blue Oyster Cult song going to be in your next movie? After all this time, it seems kind of unreasonable not to feature it at least once.

Question 10: There is a spider that looks just like Kumonga living in my towel rack, should I be concerned?

Question 11: As the King of Monsters and the most recognizable Japanese character in the world, what kind of wages do you make? Because I think you should get a producers credit, all that city-destroying has to be a lot of hard work.

Question 12: When you die, can you leave Mechagodzilla to me in your will?

Question 13: Speaking of which, how come you’ve never been given a suit of armor? They could call you “Iron Godzilla” and send you out to fight the other kaiju in organized matches that people could bet on. It would be like that movie Real Steel, only less shitty.

Question 14: I was going to ask you how big your penis is, but I’d rather just ask you to proofread my novel.

Well, I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time—I know you have a lot of cities to destroy.

Sincerely,

Amina Harper

P.S.: Is there something going on between you and Rodan? I sense massive sexual tension between you two—and there’s a lot of fan fiction to back it up.