-Rashes or burn marks on your chest when you leave your phone/laptop to free up a hand for a little passion dining “table of one” down below.

-Induced vertigo while debating synonyms. Like have you’ve already used “round tits” and “candy ass?” Or have this time you stuck mostly to “lush pussy” and “sensual, sofa-shaped lips”?

-Carpal tunnel from writing “lick your clit,” which iPod takes as something asinine as “pull the clutch,” then lining up the cursor, swearing at yourself and opting for the less poetical but mostly functional “I want to touch your stuff.”

-Macular degeneration from staring at a bluescreen in the dark for 45 minutes while you work your way from her “inner thigh” and then by some error of human anatomy/not certain she’s ready yet you dawdle around talking about what your tongue does to her nipple/her reading assignment for the night before getting to “plunging” and “grabbing” and “biting” and all the fun stuff.

-Sore arches. But not because you’re like Mildred Pierce-getting-her-off-with-feet-texts but because your wi-fi sucks and you get all nervous when the signal cuts out and that causes your whole body to tremor.

-Occupational therapist-defying back aches because when you’re hunched over at work and your lover has been on an extended family vacation and she is ready to hurl her body into a pit of nearby cobra snakes to be sensually ravaged you gotta close your office door, hold your phone below your desk, and do what any red-blooded American boyfriend would do in such a situation: devise a scheme using your your left hand (so you can both go at the same time) and your right hand for typing adjective laden, albeit efficient language (“you’re so wet” “I’m so hard” “Love when you make me scream” “I’m lying on my nephew’s bed and anyone can see me so hurry the fuck up big boy” that kind of thing) to get her off in the 15 minutes between now and her parents’ scheduled trip to the zoo.

~Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy Mike Licht, NotionsCapital