Hello, St. Agnes High School class of ’93! It’s great to be here. Of course, it would be greater to be in God’s eternal glory, but I guess we’re all 20 years closer to that now, aren’t we? Am I right or am I right? Sister Josephine, I’m surprised you’re not there already. What are you waiting for? Got any mortal sins weighing you down? If anything ever happened between you and Sister Mary Louise, I just want to let you know that I, personally, am not judging. That’s for the Big Guy. Am I right or am I right?

But seriously, it’s great to be here. There’s got to be over half our class out there…at least 30 people. That’s just beautiful, and I think it reflects what we learned here at St. Agnes that will forever shape our lives and keep us close as a class: shame, guilt, and fear. And I’m not just talking about those Facebook messages threatening a prayer circle around your house if you didn’t show up to this reunion, I’m talking about the example set by the original J.C., who beat James Deen to that whole sexy-carpenter character by about two thousand years.

Speaking of Hay-Seuss, he said that it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God. Anyone here got that issue—mo’ money, mo’ problems? Anyone? Nope, me neither, and just to make sure your pockets aren’t too heavy for you to squeeze through those pearly gates, we’re going to be passing the hat for a fund that’s going to go towards the updating of the Papal portraits throughout the school.

That’s right, we’ve got a new Pope! Wow, does that make you feel old or what? When we were 18, it didn’t seem like JP2 was ever going to kick it. I mean, once you’ve driven your Popemobile through 129 countries, what’s left on your bucket list? But he finally keeled over, and we’ve got a new guy, a new Pope with a fresh new perspective. He’s seven years younger than John Paul II, but he’s still old enough to have been a Nazi Youth, so…experience, am I right? That’s what I’m talking about.

Speaking of youth, anyone here have kids yet? Whoops! I mean, does anyone have grandkids yet? I know some of you have kids who are of legal drinking age, which means they’re old enough to make some of the same bad decisions we did, am I right? All aboard the love train, destination fornication! Remember that Meat Loaf song that was big during our senior year, “I’d Do Anything for Love…But I Won’t Do That”? Well, we all knew “that” was the one thing not expressly forbidden by our Catechisms, at least in a heterosexual context.

Anyway, the great thing is that I know you’re raising your kids as strong Catholics like our parents raised us, which means they’re not going to use birth control or have abortions, so…God’s will. That’s what it’s really about here. God willed a child to be conceived in your public-school girlfriend’s uterus beneath the Bandas Hall bleachers while those of us teenage virgins danced awkwardly to “November Rain,” and that’s a beautiful thing.

Speaking of GNR, how about that Axl Rose, huh? Banging Lana Del Rey? Never mind the video games, baby. You guys still play video games? I do. To hell with these new ones, though. I’m sticking with that classic Tecmo Bowl action. Have you ever tried a Hail Mary pass? Good luck with that…she’s only ever been with God, and you know He’s packing the Magnums. Heyoooooo! Lemme just Tebow this set real quick, and I am out. Hallelujah!

– Jay Gabler, inspired by Dave Schilling’s Thought Catalog post