I’m not really concerned with how much porn the men in my life watch. Do you, baby – I’m not your mom. I mean, if you’re watching YouJizz clips on your phone over brunch, yeah, we’re definitely breaking up. It’s sort of how I feel about playing videogames and smoking weed – you like it a little more than I do, I’ll still definitely partake, but obviously let’s not let it monopolize our time. Porn will always be a hot topic because this is America, it’s taboo, and the Puritans, but it’s still just porn. I’d argue that women are moreso uncomfortable with porn than we are actually disgusted by it. This occurs for one of two reasons: porn makes us feel insecure and subsequently poses a threat to our relationships, or we feel as though we inherently aren’t supposed to enjoy it, let alone admit to enjoying it.

Women tend to project a lot of their insecurities onto porn. Some women are threatened by porn because it’s a visual validation that we’re not hot enough, or adventurous enough in the sack. We are scared men will look at female porn stars, look back at us, and be decidedly less impressed. In an effort to dispel this insecurity, women call female porn stars skanky, criticize their acrylic nails, and say we “feel bad for them”. That way we’re still superior – it’s textbook female relational aggression and that shit’s tired.

Another particularly manipulative way women try to resolve their insecurities regarding porn is to shame men for watching it. Calling men disgusting or passive for masturbating to porn is reductive and unfair. All of that is lame and a waste of time. Porn is a 2D depiction of sexual acts and in no way compares to an actual emotional and physical relationship with another dynamic human being. Perhaps if women sat down with their men and watched some porn it would feel less like a dirty secret and more like what it is: sorta weird, pretty sexy fun.

Another factor contributing to women’s general distaste for porn is that we feel like we aren’t invited to the party. Growing up, it’s universally understood that Porn is for Dudes. Except that it isn’t at all, women are just as interested in watching people get each other off as men are. There’s that old crock of shit anecdote that men are visual, except that I have eyes too, and I also enjoy the nakeds. Too many women suppress, deny, or try to restrict their sexualities to fit the definition of what a Desirable Girl should be, do, and like. It very much falls into the well-established pressure for women to Always Be Sexy But Not Too Sexy, And Don’t Get Weird Until Some Guy Suggests It In Bed, At Which Point You Are Allowed To Get Nasty. This is a product of the assumption that it is men’s job to introduce women to their own sexualities which is, of course, complete and utter bullshit. Women interested in porn are too forward, too brazen, too slutty, and too intimidating. Obviously social pressures for women are a raging pack of fucking nightmares, and everyone should know that women can still be super into BDSM and do girly things like take bubble baths and cry at the bar while texting ex-boyfriends.

I think women would let themselves enjoy porn if they let go of psychosocial expectations and their own insecurities. I find it hard to believe that women can catch a glimpse of that orgy on their boyfriend’s lap top and not find themselves at least mildly intrigued. Your boyfriend can watch porn, because it’s not your competition. You can watch porn, because you’re human and it’s fucking fun. You know that moment from The Departed in which Jack Nicholson gets all, “No one gives it to you, you have to take it”? Yeah. That.

–Ali Kehoe