Glee

At last, a show for the socially isolated dreamer! Don’t stop believing; despite your “geekiness,” you can rise to the top of a highly polarized social hierarchy like high school*

*note: only applicable to conventionally attractive geeks harboring untapped Broadway-grade talent

True Blood

Cancel your tanning salon membership and decrease your melanoma risk, but more importantly liberate your darkest sexual urges with theatrical confidence.

Spartacus

Tune in on a regular basis to maximize your pectoral and penis size!

Modern Family

Overcome your homophobia and distaste for old man/young woman second marriages.

The Big Bang Theory

No participation necessary! Kick back and allow the abused laugh track to do the work for you (just in case you’re not over That 70’s Show).

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Aspire to embrace your inner jackass.

The Office

Watch and learn: quip remarks, sarcastic smirks and eyebrow raising are all you need to assert your superiority and remain likeable in the “real world.”

Mad Men/ The Playboy Club/Pan Am

For women: start dressing “classier,” pick up smoking and learn to quietly (but glamorously) brush off come-ons from your creepy boss.

For men: Good news! You’re not an “asshole,” your “old boy” attitude is actually distinguished.

Breaking Bad

Rest assured that the American marketplace still has options for down-and-out self-starters. Develop new sympathy for any drug dealers you know.

Toddlers in Tiaras

Reinforce your faith in 2012 Apocalypse theory.

Family Guy

Develop ADD and a knack for constant episode quoting and one-liner “inside joke” initiating with your co-workers.

The Biggest Loser

Find new motivation for self improvement: with enough humiliation, anything is possible. For those of you who aren’t disgusting obese losers, watching this show will banish your minor body insecurities.

New Girl

Coins the old but new “adorkable” female standard. You’re welcome, America.

-Katya Karaz