Jesus. The first thing for a cool Christian bro is Jesus, gotta be down with JC. He died for everyone and His doing so opened the way to heaven, which is going to be the best time ever.  Dave Bazan, he’ll be there, playing his guitar. Mark Driscoll, he’ll be there, giving a sermon on why certain angels don’t fly correctly. Gandhi, he’ll be there…kidding, of course!

Sex. Even though it’s better to die than to live, there’s still life to be lived. And what gives life? That’s right, it’s sex. Now let’s quickly lay some foundation. P in V before marriage, that’s out. As for everything else, well, just about everything else is all right. Sideways 69? There’s no word on that, so we can go ahead and enjoy its fruit.  69 the conventional way? Yes, this also is ok, though there will be times with this position when she complains of feeling sinful. A shared prayer will quell her crying, at least when she’s around you.  Now if you must be penetrating before marriage, the only mode available is the behind. It’s disgusting, I know, but don’t worry about eternal consequences—with a woman, it’s different.

Tattoos. If you already printed a marking on your body, that’s all right. I know the more conservative bros may reference a verse that says otherwise, but they’re being didactic. All you need do is point out the previous verse, about not cutting your hair at the sides of your head, or trimming your beard. They do that, don’t they? And what about the verse before that, about not eating meat that hasn’t been drained of its blood? Or what about the verse in the same book, about not eating pork? That’s the denial of bacon, my man. Remember that next time someone condemns your tattoos.

Women’s Rights and Abortion. Oh boy, this is a tricky one. I can’t give you all the answers here, bro. What I will say is that I know you love women and so maybe it’s not so bad that you let them speak in front of the church. Not too much, obviously, but enough that they feel important and not lesser than men, as God says they are. As for the rights of their bodies, well, all I can say there is that He gives life and it’d be a sin to take it away. Tread cautiously here, bro. You don’t want to seem sexist.

Swearing. Not a big deal. Damn, piss, ass, there, see, I’m doing it right now! Though let’s not get carried away.  The Big Guy doesn’t want too much foul talk coming out of our mouths—but, at the same time, we’ve got to stay relevant. What kind of idiot are you going to seem like saying, “Ahh, potato sacks,” when you got kids saying stuff like, “Fuckercuntfuck.” What does that even mean? I don’t know, and neither do you, but we’ve got to at least try and keep up. Something like, “Jesus was angry as balls when he threw those d-bags out of the temple” is acceptable.

Drinking. I don’t think I need to go any further than to say Jesus turned water into wine, do I? That pretty much says it all. Dude was a righteous man, a partier, the original cool Christian bro. Remember, He’s the one that you must aspire to. Use His words as a standard for your life. And if you’re ever having trouble knowing whether or not you’re being a cool Christian bro, just ask yourself these two questions. Are you avoiding all the parts of the Book that make you a robot? And are you strictly following the rest of it? Two yeses? You’re on your way, my man. Much love. God Bless.

– Jeffrey Ellinger

Photo by Toby Otter (Creative Commons)