I know what you’re thinking.

Why didn’t you delete that bastard, Dunstan?

And, well, you see, it’s complicated.

Ok, yes, Santorum is an assface. Ok, and for those of you contrarian types out there who want to throw the ad hominem red flag in my face, then, fine I’ll explain. Santorum traffics in the meanest, most vile kind of American politics imaginable: religion-bating. He is the contemptible used car salesman who uses revisionist history to create an unholy alliance between biblical literalists and the U.S. Constitution that never, ever, EVER existed. And then there was that whole comparing bestiality and homosexuality thing (and this is from a guy who knows a thing or two about horse sex).

Anyway, that was an unnecessary paragraph. Santorum is a GRADE A DOUCHEBAG. End of discussion.

No, the real debate is why didn’t I delete my friend.

And like I said, it’s complicated.

You see, we were friends together. In high school, I fully supported this “friend’s” metal band. I mean, that was before I realized the band was a Christian metal band (“HEAVY CHRIST, MAN”). But, still. We bonded over pop & chip parties as teenagers.

And then, well, I’ve seen him at friends’ weddings through the years, and he’s always good for a timely Conan O’Brien quote or talk about how the Lakers’ frontcourt will be this season.

And lastly, well, if higher-ups were to search, they’d find we played on the same adult softball league a few years ago. I know what you’re thinking, and no, we weren’t part of some Right to Life league or some shit like that. He was just a normal guy. Maybe a little “churchy.” But, cool. He had a hot wife, a baby on the way, a job teaching at a private school (again, one of those “churchy” places). But there was NOTHING to suggest he’d turn up going neo-conservative-James-Dobson’s-teet-sucking and pose for a photo with that hateful wax-museum figurine touring the country in a bus emblazoned with “Santorum For President” logos.

And now I just don’t know what to think.

But I can’t delete. I can’t throw him under the bus.

Because I’m just not sure how many other Santorum-in-hiding friends I have on Facebook. They could be everywhere. Maybe YOU ARE! Shit!!! Santorum is the man! Screw birth control! Screw science! Let’s bust out the grape juice, turn down the lights, and listen to a little biblical metal rock!!!!

~Dunstan McGill wrote this instead of attending the Democratic Caucus tonight because he knows Santorum is on the loose.