So you and your beaux/ho have conflicting Christmas dinners, but you’re dead set on O.D.ing on ham arm-in-arm. How do you decide whose family gets you? Just take this survey about your own families, and whoever has the most points wins!

-How good is your mom’s cooking on a scale of 1 to 10? Add points according to her score. (Be honest.)
-Do your parents typically put out a plate of cheese and/or olives before meals? Add 1 point.
-Subtract 1 point for every racist comment your grandma said during your high school graduation.
-For every cuddly baby in your family, add 1 point.
-For every different variety of alcohol your family stocks on holidays, add 2 points.
-In your recent memory, how many vacation slideshows have you sat through with your family? Subtract 2 points for each.
-If your mom is the type to break out in hysterics at the concept of you two sleeping together under her roof, subtract 4 points.
-Subtract 2 points for every uncle you have that has touched your butt.
-Subtract 1 point for every uppity aunt who likes to talk about her co-op.
-Add 3 points if you have a cool cousin that always brings weed.
-Subtract 3 points for every klepto in your family.
-Add 1 point if your family always has peppermint pie.
-Add 3 points if your parents are the type to give out large, generous presents to people you are sleeping with.
-Does your family expect everyone to go to church? Subtract 3 points.
-Subtract 2 points if your family literally sings around the piano together.
-Add 1 point for every cute kitten your parents own.

There you are! Happy holidays.

–Becky Lang