Some Sucky Things About Being Norwegian

Some Sucky Things About Being Norwegian

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1. Every gift your family has ever bought you is from the “Winter Sports” section at REI because all your Norwegian family ever does is ski and snowshoe and stuff. You’d think that making snow angels would also be an acceptable Norwegian past time, but you’d be wrong because it involves to much emotion (smiling, laughing, etc.).

2. Passive Aggression is your middle name. Actually, your middle name is probably “Thor” or “Bjorn” or something, but whatever. Nonetheless, it’s too bad that you’re annoyed with your boyfriend for leaving the toilet seat up, because your Norwegian ass would rather die a thousand deaths than actually confront another human. Let him deduce your annoyance by slamming things around or interrupting him with huge sighs whenever he speaks to you.

3. You are so, so pale. This will never change, so save your “tanning bed money” and try to limit your self-loathing while at the beach in the summer with all your super pretty, tan, not-vampirey-looking friends.

4. You blush whenever…

  • you must speak in a large group (two people or more)
  • someone pays you a compliment
  • someone insults you
  • someone looks in your general direction
When people inevitably comment on the fact that “You’re blushing!” and that it’s “so cute!” you blush even harder, leading to Facial Pigmentation Overload at which point you’ll either burst into tears or your face will explode because now there’s a whole body’s worth of blood in your cheeks.

5. You’re expected to eat lutefisk (and LIKE IT!) at every family gathering, no matter what you’re celebrating. Lutefisk-deserving occasions range from “Yay, you’re half-way through your stint in drug rehab!” to “Yay, you were elected as leader of the Free World!” It’s a good thing everyone is too passive aggressive to mention the fact that nobody other than Grandpa actually likes lutefisk, ‘cuz then feelings would get involved. And you know how we feel about feelings.

– Kelsey McDonough

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