Knock knock. Who’s there? Christ! Christ who? EXAAAAAAACTTTTLYYYY.

Knock knock. Who’s there? The virgin. The virgin who? Just kidding, all women are sluts.

Knock knock. Whos there? Jesus – Brb see you in a couple thousand years.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mo. Mo who? Mo commandments, mo’ problems.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? AIN’T NOBODY EVER STICK MARY IN HER HOO HOO!

Knock knock. Who’s there? This pregnant virgin, her husband, a magical star and three kings. Oh, uh, awkward – we’re kinda busy, but try that barn over there.

Follow up:
Knock knock. Who’s there? Jesus’ real dad, GOD. You’re going to hell, and I’m going to impregnate your wife with a kid who sucks at miracles.

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Interrupting God. Interrupting God wh… AND GOD SAID UNTO HIS PEOPLE, STOP GETTING TATTOOS, FUCKERS, DIDN’T YOU READ LEVITICUS.

Knock knock! Who’s there? Lot’s Wife. Lot’s Wife who? I don’t know, but these sea salt fries taste absolutely delicious!

Knock knock! Who’s there? Plague of locusts. Plague of locusts whAAREREHGGHAHGFGAF OH GOD THEY’RE IN MY MOUGHRGAHFDL OH GOD PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT OAHOGGODAOFFSDFJDK;SLFJJKJKKKKKKKKKKK

Knock knock. Who’s there? Cain. Cain who? Cain believe you killed your brother, man! That is some fucked-up shit!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Pontius. Pontius who? Pontius Pirrrrrate, and I be washin’ me hands of this crrrrrrucifixion!

Knock knock. Who’s there? An Egyptian beating a Hebrew. An Egyptian beating a Hebrew who? I mean I can’t make it any clearer than that all you need to know is that Egyptians would beat up Hebrews because people have always beat up on the Hebrews.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? NOAH WHO’S SICK OF SCOOPING THIS STEGOSAURUS SHIT, THAT’S WHO.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Samson. Samson who? Samson, different haircut.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Eve. Eve who? Eve who’ll blow ya. Mind?

Knock knock. Who’s there? David. King David? No, David Duchovney! Have you seen Mary Magdalene? I have cash, and I’m desperate.

Knock knock! Who’s there? Water. Water who? Actually, it’s wine! Surprise!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Love and tolerance and turning the other cheek and stuff. Oh, sorry, I was looking for shitty religious rock, homophobia and militant patriotism.

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Septuagint. The Septuag…SHHHHHHHHHH! Get out of here, man! Now!

–Becky Lang, Jason Zabel, Jay Gabler, Katie Sisneros, Sarah Heuer