For your boss: It’s the holidays, and spirits are high—so why not treat your boss to some spirits? Smirnoff is a nice safe middle-of-the-road vodka: you won’t look cheap, but you won’t break the bank either. It’s a safe bet to warm your boss’s belly.

For that really special someone: They won’t want to recycle this bottle! Le Billionaire vodka runs about $3.7 million a bottle, and they’ll remember your generosity every time they open the liquor cabinet and are blinded by the handcrafted diamond and gold detailing.

For your friend with a sweet tooth: UV cake-flavored vodka is deliciously trashy, especially when mixed with diet cherry Dr. Pepper.

For your danger-loving friend: Ow ow! Add some spice to your loved one’s life with Absolut Peppar.

For your really fucking pretentious friend: A bottle of Grey Goose (especially in one of those gaudy Chopard bottles) or Belvedere should grease his ego—not that his ego needs it.

For the shopper on a budget: At our benders staff meetings, Karkov fits the bill very nicely. Conveniently, the bottles are also plastic, so, you know, safety.

For the person who has everything: Build a home distillery and ferment some sorghum! The resulting vodka may taste nasty, but your recipient will know that you risked arrest just to get her a truly unique gift this Christmas.

For the person who doesn’t like vodka: Try whiskey.

– Jay Gabler