-Sometimes my parents have this conversation:

Mom: How come none of my three girls grew up to be Catholic?

Dad: Maybe because you only wanted to take them to church twice a year.

Mom: I’m sorry, but I paid my dues at church as a kid. I got hit with rulers by my fair share of nuns.

Dad: This is exactly the attitude they have.

-When the congregation (is that a Catholic word?) stands up to say the thing, where they touch their nose and then move their thumb (it’s like crossing yourself but more obscure and legit), I kinda just mumble and rub myself in weird places to play along.

-I occasionally argue that Catholicism is the best Christian denomination solely for the trinkets. Have you ever been to a Catholic-supply store? Yes you can buy cake accessory-sized statues of saints, as well as cards with incantations to chant while staring at someone whose head is on fire. And those Guadelupe candles at the gas station are hot.

-Before becoming confirmed as a Catholic, I told the group leader that I was only doing it because my parents made me. Everyone who shared their reasons afterward said the same thing. Sorry, that’s what you get when confirmation happens at 17 vs. 12.

-I didn’t necessarily understand symbolism as a child. “Is this bread disc really Jesus’ body? [Noted to self I was smarter than everyone in the room.]”

-I’ve only been to confession twice. The first time I was ten and the sin I confessed was, “Sometimes when my dad and sister fight, I get involved and try to amp it up so they’ll swear more.” The second time was a group confession where they hit tune forks every time we were forgiven, making my mom giggle like she was possessed by satan.

-When I was filling out my mentor forms in preparation for confirmation, I was instructed to ask my mom why it was useful to believe in God, or something of the sort. She answered, “Oh, Becky, we all know God doesn’t really exist.”

-Some girls in high school who were more popular than I used to say that they liked to go to church after a night out drinking and presumably blowing dudes so they could feel “pure.” This, to me, showcased a major flaw in the Catholic system of morality, and the whole idea of traditional morality in general. Plus, I was secretly intimidated that they drank alcohol and talked to boys.

-I named The Tangential’s Twitter identity “God Jesus” and have been meaning to change it to “Gay Jesus” all week.

-My boyfriend frequently expresses his future plans to get a tattoo of “Christ surfing on a cross.”

-Our family’s favorite first communion story is when my sister Jenny barfed on her dress because she was so nervous.

-My sisters and I used to eat a lot of candy in church on the two holidays we went – Christmas and Easter. Now when we go on those holidays, we share new, exciting flavors of gum.

-When that picture of Becky Lang happened, she was indeed the queen of hell.