Valentine’s Day is coming up, and some of you might be scrambling for last-minute dates. Never fear, The Tangential is here! We’ve hand-selected five primo Craigslist personal ads for five lucky ladies. Get babymakin!

Im Donald Trump – 23 – (bloomington)

OK. I’m Not really Donald trump but hey…got your attention. Now…what should I tell you? I make a million-billion a year? That I’m sexy enough to like my own status on Facebook? That I, indeed, ate green eggs and Ham. But only once.

I don’t need to know anything else. Sold.

Like to tease and spank men? – 31

Do you like to turn men on? Tease, spank and embarrass them? Ever put a man in a wet diaper and made him crawl across the floor or wear it out in Public. I am searching for a lady, single or married who needs someone at this time to tease. I am single, in good shape and decent looking. If your curious and want to know more then drop me a line.

You could put him in a diaper and walk him like a dog to the Wedge! You’re welcome.

Valentines day… Burritos and butt sex! – 30

Instead of going down the lame romantic bullshit route, let’s just get some chipotle and engage in some perverse acts.

Questionable restaurant choice for his later plans, but Chipotle – yum!

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE LOL. – 44

I guess I have to keep digging thru the pile to get to the good ones! I’am fun, handsome, humble,intelligent, in very good shape 6ft 183 broad shoulders, blue/green eyes, goatee shaved head /w a nice smile( YOU? intelligent, fun, yes attractive, hold.a.conversation, love coffee, movies, music and fun. Pretty simple really! No drama, ni bs, no titles, just live in the moment and see where it may go.

Anyone with a sense of irony good enough for that headline has to be a catch.

like girth??? – 26 – (n metro)

im a thicker guy both in the pants and belly. lol. i like to have alot of fun doing anything i want. just looking for a partner in crime. you know a girl for the back seat of the bike its getting closer to ridding season. i got my own apt a job and take care of myself. i like all types of women exept bitchy ones. i would like something long term soon. if you want as nice guy email me and we can get something started

Bitchy girls, don’t bother.

–Becky Lang

LEGAL CLAUSE: The Tangential strongly urges you to approach Craigslist encounters with extreme caution. Do not meet people in a place where you could be Craigslist killed. By clicking through  and possibly initiating sex with these people, you affirm that you will not hold The Tangential responsible for any dangerous results that could result in their own Lifetime original movie.