My thoughts first turn to unicorns. Why unicorns? Maybe because they’re random and horny, like so many people I know and love.

But what will the unicorns do? To involve them in a mystical adventure would be too obvious, and therefore not funny or interesting. What would a unicorn never do? Well, they’d never pull a beer wagon—and being that it’s Super Bowl Sunday, a reference to the Budweiser beer wagon would be satisfyingly timely.

So now we’ve got a team of unicorns pulling the Budweiser beer wagon. But why?  Maybe as a promotional stunt for a new type of beer. For what type of beer would you get unicorns to pull your beer wagon? Something mythic and beautiful and girly. Bud Zero! The zero-calorie beer. Tag line: “Sometimes dreams really do come true.”

Okay, so we’re talking a Super Bowl ad for Bud Zero, the zero-calorie beer, with the beer wagon being pulled by a team of unicorns through a magical cartoon landscape. Who’s driving the beer wagon? Someone skinny and beautiful and girly, but who would still drink beer. Anne Hathaway! Done and done.

A beer wagon pulled by unicorns travels through a magical cartoon landscape with birds and flowers and fairies—no, wait, it would be better to use a ye olde spelling—faeries and nymphs and fauns frolicking. Voice-over:

Not so long ago, in a land not so far away as it might seem, a group of wizards created a magical beverage. A beverage that will get you drunk, but won’t make you fat. A beverage that looks like piss, but tastes like marshmallows. A beverage that you’ve always dreamed of, that you’ve been waiting for ever since you were a chubby young maiden, or a page boy who wasn’t as trim around the waist as he might have liked.

The wagon pulls up to the camera, and we see that it’s pulled by…Anne Hathaway!

Bud Zero! The first zero-calorie beer…except for that one they have in Japan. Sometimes dreams really do come true.

Anne Hathaway belches. Cutely.

– Jay Gabler may have just learned more about himself than he really wanted to know.