If you see that little fucker Ted Turner’s kid at school, tell him I think Joseph Goebbels would have really admired his solar system diorama. Styrofoam? Really? The Nazis used to feed Styrofoam to gypsies. You tell him that.
Hansel and Gretel,
Hope you enjoy your lunch. PSYCHE! You gotta use this shit to get home, bitches! Hope the birds don’t eat your bread trails, you little bastards! I never loved you.
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A Ham Sandwich:
I have packed myself for your lunch. Please have a good day at school, and good luck on your math test.
I’ve included 47 cupcakes, because no “school administrator” or “public health professional” is going to tell my baby how to eat. I want you armed and dangerous on the issue of cupcake consumption in schools.
Should talk about populating earth when you get home. Could be problematic. If you meet a girl at school, please bring her. Stop fighting with your brother.
You know what this string cheese is? This string cheese is happiness. It’s children laughing on a swing set. It’s jet packs in the new millennium. It’s freedom and tyranny and airline stewardesses in short skirts leaning over to hand you a whiskey. I’m okay. You’re okay. Now get out of my office.
XOXO, Your Father.
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRGGGGRRRWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR. WWWRREEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR. Also, please take out the trash when you get home.
Sorry about all the whatnot at home. You’re sulky, and it’s bothering Claudius. Lighten up, ok? Your dad was kind of a dick. No real tragedy there. Also, stop watching me while I sleep.
–Katie Sisneros never got lunch box notes.