Date: August 2006
Location: Dive bar in Fairmont, MN
Notes: Inevitable future skin cancer brought to you by my summer as a lifeguard. If you have met me in the last three years you likely will not recognize the person in this photograph, not because I look any more composed than this on average (in fact this is about par for the course, at least daily after 10 p.m.) but because my current skin tone most closely resembles a pupa.

Date: September 2006
Location: Townhouse in Ames, IA belonging to some Air Force bros who were my first (non-lasting) friends at grad school.
Notes: Was duct taped into my too-large pants because my visible underwear were declared a distraction to my beer pong opponents. In July of 2008 my mother would access my Facebook via my unwitting then-15 year old brother’s account and call to confront me about my ‘inappropriate pictures on the internet.’ I would cry and say something about my parents being too hard on me to get her to calm down.

Date: December 2006
Location: Friend’s home in Des Moines, IA.
Notes: Was having a reasonably enjoyable time at the party until a friend of my friends that I had not been introduced (who, as it turned out, was originally from Eden Prairie) showed up with a bottle of precious Karkov, unattainable south of the border. I hugged him and declared that we were soul mates, gleefully consuming the entire thing which needless to say generated this photograph. The next morning he would text me and ask me to go to breakfast, apparently unaware that my desire to marry him only lasted as long as the Karkov did.

Date: March 2007
Location: My apartment, Ames, IA.
Notes: Friends from Minneapolis were visiting for the first time. The night before we had gone to some cheesy college bar that served 4-4-1s and I had professed my love for some dude whose long and complicated Polish last name vaguely resembled the word Pizza which was all I could remember the next morning. Upon waking on my futon I repeatedly asked, “But guys, were is Pizza? I love Pizza.” Approximately two days later I would begin dating Pizza’s roommate… for the next three years. Sorry, Pizza.



Date: May 2007
Location: Elevator of the Stonearch Apartments, Minneapolis, MN.
Notes: I chose my college best friend’s going away party as the prime opportunity to unveil to Minneapolis a party meme I had begun in 2005 entitled “Sarah does the backstroke across non-aqueous surfaces.”

Date: June 2007
Location: Chili’s, Des Moines, IA.
Notes: Friend’s bachelorette party. That should explain everything.

Date: March 2008
Location: Boyfriend’s apartment, Ames, IA.
Notes: After a freak success as a beer pong team earlier that month, my friend and I decided to host a St. Patrick’s Day beer pong tournament. However, due to my distaste for and inexperience with drinking beer and the burden this placed on my partner who would have to drink my share, we decided to play ‘gin and tonic pong.’ As it turned out we were absolutely terrible, and the night ended with my boyfriend having to carry my vomiting and inexplicably naked friend to the bathroom.

Date: May 2010
Location: Gas station parking lot, Taylor’s Falls, MN.
Notes: Feeling like a rock star upon purchasing all of the supplies for a vision quest. No, seriously, I went on a vision quest. The high point was spending three hours building a sand utopia in the middle of the lake. The low point was when I couldn’t get cell service to order a pizza to our cabin (as if, you know, that was even an option).

Date: September 2010
Location: My apartment, Minneapolis, MN
Notes: One hour after having an old filling replaced. This is your face on Novocain.

Date: January 2011
Location: Country Inn and Suites, Northfield, MN
Notes: Photo taken immediately after dominating at chicken-fighting on the shoulders of a member of Das Racist, who kept telling me, “There is something under your eyes. No seriously, like there is something weird under your eyes.” Yes, my dear, it’s called makeup; not all of us are born naturally beautiful and believe it not everything doesn’t stay in place when you repeatedly dunk me in the pool.

–Sarah Heuer apparently had either a very gorgeous or a very unphotographed 2009.