Excerpts from an Episode of Intervention, Hosted by Sarah and Katie
Sarah and Katie are giving Intervention an intervention after watching an entire season in one sitting.
[Opening scene. Sarah and Katie are on the couch, each drinking their second Mt. Dew in an hour. Henry is between them, on his back, exposing his dog genitals to the world.]John: Hi, my name is John. I have type two diabetes. I don’t check my insulin regularly, and the foods that I eat could kill me. (John eats a piece of cake.) My family is always hounding me, telling me I should watch what I eat and take my shots regularly. But honestly, I don’t like people telling me what to do.
Sarah: Fucking stop eating cake, douchewad.
John: After my girlfriend dumped me, I just sort of stopped taking care of myself.
John’s Mom: His hair got greasier, his face was breaking out, and instead of going to school he’d just drive to a parking lot and sleep in his car.
Katie: That actually sounds kind of nice.
John’s Mom: Sometimes I think John relishes being the sickest person in the family. And in this house, that’s pretty hard to do. I have Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus.
Katie: If House knew your mom had Lupus, he’d take you out at the knees with his cane.
Sarah: Jesus, that’s not just getting the short end of the stick, that’s like God running out of sticks completely before he even gets to you.
[Camera pans to a shot of John eating chicken nuggets in his kitchen]Sarah: What a freak.
Katie: We are so mean.
Sarah: Well, it’s not an addiction to be addicted to not taking insulin. If he had a food addiction, that’s one thing, but he’s just an asshole.
_____
[Scene two. Sarah and Katie are still on the couch, sucking down caffeine. Henry is growling out of jealousy because Sarah is leaning into Katie.]Nicole: I’m Nicole. I’m a young mother who decided seventeen years ago that swallowing my food was ‘scary’ and troublesome, so I elected to have a tube placed in my stomach (literally, in) so that I don’t have to eat. But I miss eating! So I make myself a big ol’ plate of food and then chew it up and spit it into a gas station coffee cup! In public! Additionally, my body inconveniently rejects the aforementioned feeding tube so I’m also covered in sores. Also, I’m generally nasty to be around.
Katie: Woah, that’s a weird monologue.
Sarah: Yeah, that sound more like something I’d write about her than something she’d say about herself. Pretty sure I skipped the part about her being molested as a child.
Katie: Did we just go meta?
Sarah: Yeah. Just go with it.
[Nicole sucks blended food into a giant syringe and injects it into a tube connected to her stomach]Sarah: Oh. Ugh. I can’t watch.
Katie: What a joyless life that would be. Literally nothing makes me happier than food does.
Nicole’s Husband, Bob: Nicole’s lack of nutrition and pain pill addiction make her lay around in bed all day and watch TV. If she could, she’d never get out of bed.
Sarah: Uuuum, add back in the food eating and that sounds like my dream life.
Katie: Add back in the food eating, and that is my life.
_____
[Scene Three. Sarah and Katie are now sharing one couch cushion, and Katie realizes she still has Jimmy John’s oatmeal raisin cookie crumbs between her boobs. She brushes them away and notes aloud that this probably isn’t her sexiest moment. Sarah disagrees.]Janet: Hi, I’m Janet. When I was seventeen I married a thirty-nine year old millionaire, who I learned later was smuggling marijuana and cocaine from Colombia to the United States. He was arrested by the feds and I lost my luxurious lifestyle. I immediately picked up a drinking habit and approximately six dozen men over the next ten years. I’ve neglected my children, bankrupted my family, and due to my sex addiction show my genitals unsolicited to strangers on a daily basis.
Russ: Janet, are you okay?
Janet: ermahurmalooolaaaermermrerrmrmmmmmrrrmmmm.
Russ: What?
Janet: [higher pitch] ermahurmalooflfermemmrmrmrmmmmmrrrmmmm!
Sarah: Jesus.
Katie: Oh my God, the whining. Make it stop.
Janet: eeeeeeeearrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmhuurrrmmmmmmeeeeeee.
Katie: OK no seriously, I want to punch her.
Sarah: Interesting fashion sense. I believe it’s called “Necklaces I made in arts and crafts with macaroni.” I just want her to shake her ass at someone again.
Russ: I don’t want to have to take Janet’s kids away from her, but child protective services said if I don’t divorce her and get a restraining order, I could lose the kids, too.
Katie: That whine. I can’t get it out of my head.
Sarah: It sounds like a cat slowly having a rope slowly tightened around its throat.
Katie: I think we should stop watching Intervention.
Sarah: Aren’t there full seasons of Hoarders on Netflix?
Katie: Good call.
–Sarah Heuer and Katie Sisneros would share one couch cushion all the time if it were feasible. Wait – is that feasible?