What an Alien Could Learn About My Mom By Accessing My Twitter Feed

What an Alien Could Learn About My Mom By Accessing My Twitter Feed

Aliens might not be able to figure out that Dawn Maria Lang was born on January 22, 1954 or that she religiously follows the saga that is The Kardashians. But here’s what they would find out, arranged from funniest to least funny in honor of the journalistic enterprise that is the stupid inverted pyramid. Happy birthday mom!

an excerpt from MY MOM’S NEW RAP: “puddles in the towers/hot bubbly showers/hot mama meltdown” – from “hot mama meltdown”

My mom: Becky how can I ask the Internet if other grandmas like Lolita goth dolls too?

“I swear I’ve seen the face of Jesus in those leaves!” my mom, trying to relate to her schizophrenic sister

My mom in the north loop: so this is where all the horny people go.

Me, about sex world: I’ve never been there. Mom: I shoul hope not. NEVER GO THERE!

Mom: I don’t know much about the Smitten Kitten but I’d like to go there.

[my mom explaining Mary Kate and Ashley olsen to my grandma]: they are the cutest twins. They were babies for years!

My mom has informed me that her stripper name is Fluffy Nevada.

Mom: you like James Franco? I think he’s a dork. But I guess you like those curly-headed mop tops.

My mom is reading a book about dog body language.

Mom: girlfights are especially fun to watch.

“becky, i’m glad to see you looking so hip.”

Here’s one from my dad, just for the hell of it:

Dad: don’t forget to take home your tramp dress. Sorry- your skank dress.

Becky Lang likes her parents