My life: A 35-year performance evaluation

My life: A 35-year performance evaluation

Okay, Jason, why don’t you just go ahead and have a seat right there. We’ll try to get this over with as quickly as possible. Doesn’t look like we have anything too complicated to go over, so we should be able to get you out of here in a jiffy. Now, let’s take a look at your file.

Well, Jason, you have done a heck of a job with your teeth. Not a single cavity in 35 years, and I see here that at your cleaning on Thursday, Dr. Milnar said that your teeth represent “the epitome of dental care today.” That’s what we like to hear. Keep up that good work. The whole personal-health area here is looking fine, just fine.

And let’s see…another area where you get high marks is in the legal area. No arrests, no lawsuits. That’s good. I do see we had a couple of car tows here, but I know you live in a crowded neighborhood, and those things happen, so that’s no biggie.

Now, education. It looks like since we saw you at the 30-year, you went ahead and grabbed your Ph.D. We are all in favor of that, and of course that makes a dramatic change from the situation we saw at the 5-year, the 10-year, and the 15-year evals. Your poor mother, parent-teacher conferences used to make her cry. Well, glad we’ve got that little problem fixed up.

Let’s go ahead now and take a look at some areas where the marks aren’t all so positive. Career—now, you’re an associate something and an adjunct something else? Both jobs are part-time, with no benefits? Jason, I’m going to shoot real straight with you and say that’s not what we’re looking for at the 35. I think you know that, right? Okay then.

Personal finances…well, now, see, Jason, that’s going to be related. I see no savings here, and a lot of debt. I know, those are your student loans—mostly—but, honey, it’s time to start paying those down. We don’t want you to end up in bankruptcy court, because then that makes a mark in the legal area as well, and that area’s looked so good up ‘til now.

We’re almost done here, Jason…just a couple more little areas to look at. Okay, here we’ve got your housing situation. I see you’re renting. Well, in today’s market, that may be prudent, but most people at the 35 are coming to my desk with a little equity. I’m talking real estate equity, Jason. Once we get that career business cleared up, we might want to start looking at houses. You can just get a little bungalow. That’s going to appreciate for you real nice.

And then finally, we come to relationships and family. Now, you’re on good speaking terms with all your immediate and extended family members, so that’s a good base to build on.  I know you’re single here, but I see there have been a couple of big relationships since the 30, so looks like we’re taking a little breather. Well, that’s fine, but I do want to draw your attention to the line here for children. Now, as you know, we score this one based on the preference you set yourself, with your number of siblings plus one being the default. That sets your default at four children, and I see here you’ve never changed that. That might be getting a little ambitious here, so I’m going to ask you to go to this website—that’s an underscore there after the slash—and consider changing your personal setting. If you need a new PIN code, just call us at this number during regular office hours, and have your social security number ready.

And…that’s it! We’re basically looking real good here, Jason. I’m going to give you this printout for your reference. You can see that in the goals section here, we’re going to be looking for a few things by the 40. We’re going to want a full-time job with benefits, a substantial reduction in the debt you’re carrying, at least a starter home, a marriage or domestic partnership—if it’s a partnership, you’ll just need to bring the paperwork for that—and, depending on whether you change your settings, maybe a couple of children. I know that’s a tall order for just five years from now, but if you can even tick one or two things off that list, we’re going to be heading in the right direction. And, honey, you just keep brushing those beautiful teeth. Bye now.

Jay Gabler