Kellogg is launching an ad campaign where women step on scales that show words of encouragement instead of numbers. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT ON AN 800-CALORIE A DAY DIET OF CORN-BASED CEREAL! We at The Tangential find this to be lame. If the scale were to find a new way to tell us we need to lay off the happy hour fries, we would prefer it do so in a more innovative way. Here are our best suggestions for reimagining the scale:

A scale that weighs you in Mary-Kates

A scale that tells you how much you’d be worth if you were enriched uranium

A scale that tsks disapprovingly, and reminds you that pooping might help. On extreme occasions, it calls you a “fatass”

A scale that prices you for international air shipping

A scale that tells you what breed of dog you approximate in size

A scale that will make you guess how much you weigh, and give you a goldfish if you’re within 5 pounds

A scale that automatically orders Ben & Jerry’s and adds a few more discs of Sex and the City to your Netflix queue if you’ve put on half a pound

A scale that tells you how long a Tauntaun could survive if it ate you

-Katie Sisneros and Becky Lang are probably about 1.3 Mary-Kates, although their drivers licences say 1.2.