Thank you for coming to dinner tonight. I’ve prepared some quinoa and bought some of mom’s favorite Arbor Mist. You may wonder why I’m doing all this. Well, there’s something I need to tell you: I’m gay.

I know you’re shocked. “But why did you elect Jesse Ventura for governor?” you might ask. Well, I didn’t know back then. It has been a long process of self-exploration for me. Maybe I was trying to cover it up.

Wait, before you speak, there’s more. Not only am I gay, I’m super gay. In fact, a national magazine has declared me “the gayest.” Glitter, apple martinis, Logo’s programming – I make those gay stereotypes look like lumberjack culture. All my friends are gay pastors, I cried when Gladius shut down and I even hosted an impressively high number of Tegan and Sara concerts in the last year.

It feels good to be open. It feels good to be gay. Drink up mom.

–Becky Lang